Print
×
Language:
English
עברית
Page Size:
A4
US Letter
Save Ink:
No (Black background)
Yes (White background)
Card Filter:
Active Cards Only
Active and Pending Cards
All Cards (Including Pending and Removed)
Pending Cards Only
Pending and Removed Cards Only
Hide Explicit Cards
Black prompt cards:
190 (22 pages)
White response cards:
460 (52 pages)
If
there
were
eleven
plagues
in
Egypt
,
the
eleventh
would
be
________
.
The
solution
to
the
shidduch
crisis
is
________
.
The
secret
to
a
perfect
chulent
is
________
.
If
praying
doesn
'
t
work
,
try
________
.
Thank
God
the
Torah
doesn
'
t
forbid
________
.
The
goyim
were
right
about
one
thing
:
________
.
________
is
antisemitic
.
Sephardim
don
'
t
combine
milk
with
fish
because
it
causes
________
.
I
'
m
not
sending
my
kids
back
to
school
until
they
ban
________
.
Going
to
public
school
is
worse
than
________
.
The
only
way
to
defeat
the
yeitzer
hara
is
________
.
Though
I
walk
through
the
valley
of
the
shadow
of
death
,
I
will
fear
no
evil
because
________
is
with
me
.
On
three
things
the
world
stands
:
on
Torah
,
on
Avodah
,
and
on
________
.
Ten
kav
of
________
descended
to
the
world;
Jerusalem
took
nine
.
Where
was
God
during
the
Holocaust
?
"
There
is
no
difference
between
this
world
and
the
days
of
Moshiach
except
________
."
As
long
as
the
candle
is
burning
,
there
'
s
still
time
for
________
.
Looking
for
a
soulmate
.
Must
be
religious
,
female
,
and
interested
in
________
.
The
real
miracle
of
Chanukah
is
________
.
You
'
re
not
allowed
to
talk
during
prayer
,
unless
it
'
s
about
________
.
Love
your
neighbor
as
yourself
,
unless
he
'
s
________
.
The
difference
between
Jews
and
Goyim
is
________
.
You
know
you
'
re
in
Tel
Aviv
when
everyone
around
you
is
________
.
I
daven
every
day
for
________
.
Moshiach
would
be
here
already
if
it
weren
'
t
for
________
.
________
:
this
too
is
Torah
,
and
I
must
learn
.
Above
all
,
our
community
prides
itself
on
________
.
________
?!
That
could
lead
to
mixed
dancing
!
I
have
a
shaila
about
________
,
but
I
'
m
too
embarrassed
to
ask
my
rabbi
.
________
was
promised
to
us
3000
years
ago
.
The
Tanna
Kamma
says
that
________
is
completely
assur
.
Rebbe
Yehuda
says
you
should
do
it
anyway
.
I
treat
________
like
Chabadnikim
treat
matzah
on
Pesach
:
I
'
m
deeply
afraid
it
will
treif
up
my
entire
home
.
I
switched
shuls
because
I
couldn
'
t
stand
the
________
at
my
old
one
.
Once
you
obtain
your
semichah
,
you
can
get
away
with
________
.
Apples
in
honey
represent
a
sweet
new
year
,
the
beets
represent
beating
our
enemies
,
and
the
eggplant
represents
________
.
Hear
O
Israel
,
Hashem
our
G
-
d
,
Hashem
is
________
.
Lechatchila
,
________
is
assur
,
but
b
'
dieved
it
'
s
ok
.
________
is
only
allowed
during
yeshiva
week
.
My
friend
went
into
the
army
totally
frum
,
and
came
out
________
,
rachmana
litzlan
.
I
hear
you
can
find
________
on
Ben
Yehuda
Thursday
nights
,
if
you
know
where
to
look
.
Did
you
hear
about
the
new
minhag
in
Boro
Park
:
________
during
davening
?
Did
you
hear
about
the
new
teshuva
about
________
from
the
Satmar
Rebbe
?
I
can
'
t
believe
I
'
m
still
single
.
Maybe
it
'
s
because
I
'
m
too
obsessed
with
________
.
I
once
went
on
a
Birthright
trip
and
all
I
got
was
________
.
I
wish
my
Rabbi
would
stop
talking
about
________
and
start
talking
about
something
more
interesting
.
I
'
m
sorry
,
but
if
you
don
'
t
think
________
is
the
greatest
thing
since
sliced
challah
,
we
can
'
t
be
friends
.
If
you
really
want
to
get
into
heaven
,
you
need
to
master
the
art
of
________
.
If
you
want
to
impress
a
Jewish
mother
,
just
mention
________
.
If
you
'
re
ever
lost
,
just
look
to
the
Torah
for
guidance
on
________
.
In
my
day
,
we
didn
'
t
have
fancy
shuls
with
air
conditioning
,
we
just
had
________
in
the
shtiebel
.
It
'
s
amazing
what
a
little
gefilte
fish
can
do
to
improve
________
.
It
'
s
not
a
real
shabbos
meal
without
a
little
bit
of
________
.
Jewish
geography
is
when
you
find
out
that
your
cousin
'
s
best
friend
'
s
aunt
is
________
.
Jewish
guilt
is
the
reason
why
I
can
never
say
no
to
________
.
My
grandfather
used
to
say
, "
If
you
want
to
know
the
truth
,
just
look
at
________
."
My
yeshiva
experience
was
traumatizing
because
of
________
.
My
rabbi
always
says
, "
When
in
doubt
,
choose
________
."
The
best
way
to
avoid
going
to
shul
is
________
.
The
best
way
to
get
through
a
fast
day
is
to
focus
on
________
.
The
Jewish
version
of
a
superhero
would
have
the
power
of
________
.
The
Jewish
version
of
hell
is
________
.
The
key
to
a
successful
marriage
is
________
.
The
only
way
to
truly
understand
God
is
to
delve
into
the
mysteries
of
________
.
The
real
reason
I
made
Aliyah
is
________
.
The
true
definition
of
chutzpah
is
________
.
The
true
measure
of
a
person
'
s
character
is
how
they
treat
________
.
The
true
test
of
faith
is
to
believe
in
________
even
when
times
are
tough
.
We
'
re
all
just
wandering
in
the
desert
until
we
find
________
.
Why
did
God
create
________
?
To
test
our
patience
,
obviously
.
You
can
'
t
call
yourself
a
true
Jew
until
you
'
ve
experienced
________
.
You
think
you
'
re
so
smart
with
your
degree
in
________
from
Yeshiva
University
.
You
want
to
impress
your
in
-
laws
?
Just
bring
them
________
and
they
'
ll
love
you
forever
.
I
can
'
t
believe
she
'
s
dating
him
.
He
'
s
________
.
I
heard
he
was
caught
________
in
the
shul
'
s
mikvah
.
If
you
don
'
t
keep
kosher
,
you
might
as
well
be
________
.
He
'
s
so
frum
,
he
won
'
t
even
touch
________
.
In
this
week
'
s
parsha
,
we
learn
about
the
consequences
of
________
.
The
difference
between
a
shul
and
a
circus
is
________
.
In
Israel
,
they
don
'
t
mess
around
when
it
comes
to
________
.
If
you
want
to
be
a
real
tzaddik
,
you
have
to
learn
to
resist
________
.
The
yeshiva
bachurim
were
shocked
when
they
found
out
their
rebbe
was
secretly
________
.
When
it
comes
to
keeping
halacha
,
he
'
s
________
.
He
'
s
so
yeshivish
,
he
won
'
t
even
talk
to
a
girl
without
________
.
The
only
thing
worse
than
a
shidduch
date
is
a
shidduch
date
with
________
.
If
you
don
'
t
believe
in
God
,
you
'
re
just
wasting
your
time
with
________
.
In
the
Talmud
,
it
says
that
a
man
should
love
his
wife
as
much
as
he
loves
________
.
Rabbi
Akiva
said
, "
Love
your
neighbor
as
yourself
"
is
the
greatest
principle
of
the
Torah
.
He
clearly
never
experienced
the
joy
of
________
.
The
shidduch
went
well
until
he
found
out
she
was
________
.
Everyone
'
s
favorite
part
of
the
holidays
is
________
.
I
look
forward
all
year
to
________
.
Now
comes
the
part
in
the
davening
where
we
engage
in
________
.
Teshuva
,
Tefillah
,
and
________
will
avert
the
evil
of
the
decree
.
I
give
you
a
bracha
that
you
should
experience
________
.
Please
turn
to
page
137
, "
The
Prayer
for
________
".
"
________
will
be
great
,"
they
said
. "
It
'
ll
be
fun
,"
they
said
.
They
were
wrong
.
As
a
peace
-
loving
country
,
it
is
our
duty
to
declare
war
on
________
.
In
the
latest
scandal
to
rock
the
Orthodox
world
,
a
well
-
known
rabbi
was
accused
of
________
.
If
God
had
given
us
________
but
not
________
,
dayenu
.
Welcome
to
Shiur
.
Today
'
s
sugya
discusses
________
.
They
tried
to
kill
us
,
we
won
,
so
we
celebrate
with
________
.
The
real
reason
the
Beis
Hamikdash
was
destroyed
was
________
.
Nothing
ruins
a
simcha
faster
than
________
.
The
thing
that
makes
a
Litvak
most
happy
:
________
.
If
the
Jews
really
run
Hollywood
,
why
isn
'
t
there
a
blockbuster
movie
about
________
?
The
best
thing
I
ever
got
from
a
Jewish
giveaway
group
was
________
.
He
was
thrown
out
of
yeshiva
for
________
.
The
real
reason
there
are
so
many
frum
singles
today
is
________
.
If
you
can
be
________
,
then
kal
v
'
chomer
you
can
be
________
.
The
wildest
thing
I
do
for
Shalom
Bayit
?
________
.
We
waited
until
the
Rosh
Yeshiva
left
the
wedding
to
start
________
.
Why
do
we
do
________
?
So
the
children
should
ask
!
________
in
the
workplace
?
What
a
Kiddush
Hashem
!!
There
'
s
nothing
like
living
in
Eretz
Yisroel
!
The
people
,
the
culture
,
________
.
Modern
Orthodox
:
Mixing
________
with
religion
.
________
is
considered
a
segula
for
a
shidduch
.
________
is
worse
than
Amalek
.
When
planning
a
wedding
,
you
can
'
t
forget
about
________
.
The
worst
thing
to
do
on
a
first
date
is
________
.
According
to
the
Rambam
,
in
the
times
of
Moshiach
,
there
won
'
t
be
any
more
________
.
Anyone
who
says
that
David
sinned
with
Bathsheba
is
nothing
other
than
________
.
"
How
do
I
see
my
future
Shabbos
table
?
A
whole
lot
of
________
."
My
favorite
mitzvah
of
all
time
is
________
.
________
?!
Are
you
even
Jewish
?!
Studies
show
that
nine
out
of
ten
Jewish
men
are
looking
for
________
.
________
:
because
that
'
s
what
the
Rebbe
did
.
Why
was
our
rabbi
fired
?
All
I
want
for
Chanukah
is
________
.
Every
seder
requires
a
discussion
of
pesach
,
matzah
,
and
________
.
Every
frum
child
wishes
to
one
day
be
________
.
Instead
of
burning
chametz
,
this
year
we
'
ll
be
burning
________
.
One
is
obligated
to
drink
until
they
do
not
know
the
difference
between
________
and
________
.
________
?!
That
'
s
Bitul
Torah
!
I
'
m
not
antisemitic
,
I
'
m
just
against
________
.
One
who
dreams
of
________
is
assured
a
place
in
Olam
Haba
.
I
love
you
unconditionally
,
but
I
wish
you
'
d
stop
________
.
It
'
s
a
chutzpah
!
It
'
s
a
shanda
!
It
'
s
________
.
Mrs
.
Epstein
,
I
'
m
afraid
we
caught
your
son
________
.
For
the
ultimate
temptation
,
Satan
gave
the
world
________
.
How
could
you
not
believe
in
God
,
when
the
world
is
so
full
of
________
?
True
Yiras
Shomayim
means
________
.
To
make
someone
frum
,
all
you
need
is
________
.
The
Jews
are
unique
!
We
gave
the
world
________
.
We
'
re
just
gonna
stand
around
this
mountain
until
we
get
________
.
You
'
re
laughing
now
,
but
when
you
go
to
heaven
,
you
'
re
gonna
get
________
.
My
Rabbi
is
different
.
He
'
s
________
.
________
?
You
'
re
gonna
burn
for
that
.
Raboysay
,
it
'
s
time
we
stopped
________
.
And
now
,
for
the
month
of
Elul
,
let
us
all
take
upon
ourselves
________
.
In
the
beginning
,
God
created
________
.
All
you
really
need
to
survive
in
the
wild
is
your
suit
,
a
hat
,
and
________
.
You
'
re
such
a
mitzva
boy
!
You
deserve
________
.
If
only
you
'
d
experienced
the
beauty
of
________
...
Scientists
now
also
agree
that
everything
comes
from
________
.
Like
my
Rabbi
used
to
say
, "
you
don
'
t
have
to
be
________
,
as
long
as
you
have
________
."
Rav
Velvel
of
Lublin
was
famous
for
many
things
,
but
he
was
most
famous
for
________
.
Rabbi
Chanina
used
to
say
: "
I
learned
a
lot
from
my
Rabbis
.
But
I
learned
about
________
from
my
students
."
If
there
'
s
one
sign
that
Moshiach
is
right
around
the
corner
,
it
'
s
________
.
Women
have
their
own
special
purpose
in
Judaism
,
and
that
purpose
is
________
.
The
meaning
of
life
is
simple
.
It
'
s
________
.
Hashem
has
a
purpose
for
each
of
us
.
For
you
,
it
'
s
________
.
There
are
acts
of
pure
righteousness
.
There
are
acts
of
pure
evil
.
And
then
there
'
s
________
.
In
this
month
'
s
edition
of
Eishes
Chayil
Magazine
,
you
'
ll
read
all
about
________
and
what
you
can
do
about
it
.
You
could
have
been
the
next
Gadol
Hador
.
Instead
,
you
chose
________
.
If
there
'
s
one
thing
that
pleases
God
greatly
,
it
'
s
________
.
God
could
have
kept
things
simple
.
Instead
,
he
went
all
out
and
gave
us
________
.
Shmerel
is
the
complete
package
.
He
'
s
got
brains
.
He
'
s
got
looks
.
He
'
s
got
________
.
The
prophets
predicted
this
would
happen
!
Three
days
from
this
very
moment
,
the
entire
world
will
start
________
.
At
Yeshivas
Simchas
Hachayim
,
our
mission
is
to
teach
you
about
________
.
And
for
our
final
proof
of
God
,
we
of
course
have
________
.
Checkmate
,
atheists
.
Your
mother
and
I
accept
you
as
you
are
,
even
if
you
are
________
.
Back
in
my
day
,
we
would
memorize
shas
.
Kids
today
only
care
about
________
.
I
couldn
'
t
find
cloves
for
Havdalah
,
so
instead
I
used
________
.
What
really
happens
in
the
Yichud
room
?
I
'
m
very
strict
about
________
.
It
'
s
my
wife
who
cuts
corners
.
The
latest
Chabad
initiative
is
to
give
every
woman
Shabbos
candles
and
________
.
In
a
hidden
Midrash
it
is
written
that
Gan
Eden
was
full
of
________
.
How
on
earth
do
you
do
________
with
a
shinuy
?
The
kashrut
here
is
questionable
.
I
found
________
inside
the
shawarma
.
If
I
were
a
Posek
,
I
would
immediately
permit
________
.
We
can
'
t
count
you
in
the
minyan
if
you
'
re
________
.
If
Perek
Yomi
,
Daf
Yomi
,
and
Rambam
Yomi
aren
'
t
enough
for
you
,
try
________
daily
!
The
new
trend
is
to
give
a
Bar
Mitzvah
boy
________
along
with
his
tallis
and
tefillin
.
My
Rav
says
the
recent
catastrophe
was
caused
by
________
.
________
is
totally
worth
the
kares
.
In
beis
din
shel
maalah
,
they
won
'
t
ask
you
, "
Why
weren
'
t
you
Moshe
Rabbeinu
?"
They
will
ask
you
, "
Why
weren
'
t
you
________
?"
Dying
al
kiddush
Hashem
is
better
than
________
.
Gemara
study
facilitates
________
.
I
went
to
Yeshiva
and
now
I
'
m
________
.
The
media
likes
to
portray
us
as
________
.
The
Talmud
teaches
that
sleep
is
like
1
/
60th
of
experiencing
death
,
pooping
1
/
60th
of
heaven
,
and
________
1
/
60th
of
sex
.
Selling
your
chametz
to
the
devil
Performing
a
bris
with
a
rusty
pocket
knife
Counting
your
steps
to
make
sure
you
don
'
t
violate
Shabbos
A
Chassidic
wedding
with
a
breakdance
battle
A
mezuzah
on
a
porta
-
potty
A
Sefer
Torah
that
'
s
written
entirely
in
emojis
A
Jewish
version
of
"
The
Bachelor
"
with
all
contestants
named
Shira
A
Netflix
show
about
Jews
who
stay
religious
A
super
hungover
Eliyahu
Hanavi
showing
up
to
a
bris
Pesach
morning
A
potato
that
identifies
as
a
green
leafy
vegetable
Insisting
on
getting
a
full
2
kezaysim
of
afikoman
matzah
The
minyan
in
the
back
of
the
El
Al
flight
Changing
your
minhag
to
impress
your
date
Dressing
up
as
yourself
for
Purim
Wearing
socks
with
sandals
A
mohel
with
a
tip
jar
Making
a
siyum
after
falling
asleep
to
a
Daf
Yomi
podcast
for
a
month
A
wet
,
post
-
kiddush
handshake
A
shabbos
goy
who
knows
the
halacha
better
than
you
Quinoa
sushi
on
Pesach
Breaking
up
because
he
proposed
with
a
ring
instead
of
a
bracelet
The
cool
rabbi
who
puts
memes
in
his
source
sheets
Showing
up
to
shul
just
for
kiddush
A
fiery
bush
Sending
memes
in
the
beis
medrash
Looking
both
ways
before
committing
murder
Burning
the
Talmud
Pictures
of
the
Rebbe
in
every
room
Being
a
woman
Setting
stuff
on
fire
The
yeitzer
hara
A
dairy
meal
after
a
meat
kiddush
Mixed
dancing
Raisin
challah
Being
a
rich
man
Waiting
until
marriage
The
wedding
night
Marrying
a
3
-
year
-
old
because
she
'
s
good
at
fetching
water
Parting
the
Red
Sea
The
Holocaust
The
"
High
"
Priest
A
stolen
lulav
A
shtreimel
from
the
tail
of
an
endangered
fox
Matzah
with
the
blood
of
Christian
children
Moshe
'
s
staff
Defecating
in
the
Nile
River
because
you
'
re
a
god
Wiping
out
Amalek
Marrying
1
,
000
women
A
time
-
bound
positive
commandment
Harem
d
'
Rabbeinu
Gershom
Batel
B
'
shishim
Covering
hair
with
hair
Fasting
for
40
days
because
someone
was
out
of
shape
Ishay
Ribo
'
s
new
song
that
everyone
analyzes
like
it
'
s
Gemara
A
lesson
on
humility
that
starts
with
"
I
don
'
t
want
to
brag
,
but
..."
Killing
your
brother
because
his
wife
is
really
hot
Kiddush
without
herring
Davening
vasikin
A
rabbi
who
moonlights
as
a
priest
Loving
your
fellow
Jew
Going
off
the
derech
Saying
Hallel
with
a
bracha
Dati
-
Lite
A
mikvah
with
rubber
duckies
A
literal
scapegoat
Oneg
Shabbos
The
golden
calf
Burning
chametz
Using
swear
words
Eating
pork
in
its
mother
'
s
milk
on
the
beach
on
Yom
Kippur
that
falls
on
Shabbos
Three
-
day
Yom
Tov
Selichos
at
the
Kotel
A
righteous
man
in
Sodom
Making
a
borei
minei
besamim
on
cannabis
Shnayim
mikra
v
'
echad
targum
A
trip
to
Poland
Mi
Sheberach
for
the
State
of
Israel
Pikuach
nefesh
Reading
Darwin
instead
of
Bereshis
at
Krias
HaTorah
Gezel
sheina
A
field
trip
to
Azazel
A
love
potion
from
a
Jerusalem
kabbalist
A
Tefillin
date
The
yeitzer
hara
whispering
"
just
one
more
scroll
on
TikTok
"
Asking
ChatGPT
for
halachic
advice
Tuchus
Ordering
a
Gett
for
your
wife
Shagririm
Balev
Tel
Aviv
Ir
Hakodesh
The
holy
city
of
Yerushalayim
Drowning
kids
in
the
mikvah
Wearing
tzitzis
exclusively
at
night
Kashering
your
dishes
after
toveling
them
because
there
was
a
bug
in
the
mikvah
Mispronouncing
words
so
they
know
you
'
re
frum
That
Zemer
nobody
other
than
one
of
your
grandparents
has
ever
heard
of
The
annual
argument
over
where
to
go
for
the
Seder
A
warm
,
family
-
oriented
,
open
-
minded
spouse
Your
house
burning
down
from
Shabbos
candles
Feeding
your
pets
kosher
for
Pesach
food
Eating
rice
in
front
of
your
in
-
laws
on
Pesach
Jewish
Twitter
Birthright
babies
Yiddish
curses
Getting
high
on
the
Borei
Olam
The
"
High
"
Holidays
Getting
stoned
after
smoking
weed
on
Shabbos
Shirayim
from
the
rebbe
Searching
for
Menachem
Mendel
in
Kfar
Chabad
A
breakaway
minyan
in
the
sewer
Uncle
Moishe
and
the
Mitzvah
Men
Everything
my
Rabbi
told
me
not
to
do
Being
a
stiff
-
necked
Jew
Being
excessively
righteous
An
Ashkenazi
at
a
Mimouna
A
fleishig
onion
Eating
dairy
out
The
Rebbe
Curly
peyos
Lace
-
top
wigs
Selling
your
second
kidney
to
afford
an
El
Al
ticket
Hotboxing
a
sukkah
A
shadchan
whose
day
job
is
a
divorce
lawyer
Smoking
weed
on
Pesach
,
since
it
'
s
not
kitniyos
Enlisting
in
the
IDF
Hesder
yeshiva
Controlling
the
weather
Jewish
space
lasers
Your
chareidi
cousin
'
s
secret
smartphone
A
Jewish
conspiracy
theory
that
actually
turns
out
to
be
true
A
bris
milah
and
a
half
A
talmudic
debate
over
whether
a
hot
dog
is
a
sandwich
Using
a
sefer
as
a
coaster
The
smell
of
gefilte
fish
that
lingers
for
days
A
shofar
that
'
s
also
a
vape
pen
A
mikvah
attendant
who
'
s
a
bit
too
enthusiastic
about
her
job
A
talmudic
scholar
who
'
s
a
non
-
Jewish
Korean
A
shidduch
date
that
lasts
exactly
45
minutes
and
ends
with
'
I
'
ll
be
in
touch
.'
Selling
your
birthright
for
a
bowl
of
chulent
A
Jewish
cult
that
worships
a
giant
dreidel
An
interfaith
marriage
between
a
Jew
and
a
Pastafarian
Marrying
a
non
-
Jew
and
converting
to
their
religion
A
Purim
costume
that
'
s
just
a
bedsheet
with
eyeholes
Starting
a
matzah
company
that
uses
gentile
slave
labor
A
yichud
room
with
a
smooth
jazz
band
Marrying
someone
just
because
they
have
a
good
shidduch
resume
Getting
lost
in
the
Talmud
and
never
being
seen
again
Using
tefillin
as
a
fashion
accessory
Loving
Israel
more
than
you
love
God
A
kippah
so
small
it
fits
on
the
tip
of
a
finger
Spending
all
day
arguing
over
whether
the
chicken
is
kosher
A
minyan
made
up
of
minions
Telling
your
boss
that
you
can
'
t
work
on
shabbos
,
but
secretly
working
from
home
The
Orthodox
couple
who
met
on
JDate
and
now
pretend
they
met
at
shul
A
beit
din
that
doubles
as
a
reality
TV
show
A
Mechitza
that
'
s
only
knee
-
high
A
rabbi
with
a
Tinder
account
Marrying
your
cousin
to
keep
the
fortune
in
the
family
Giving
tzedakah
with
a
check
that
bounces
Becoming
a
tzadik
overnight
with
just
one
trip
to
Uman
A
Jew
who
celebrates
Christmas
just
for
the
presents
Pretending
to
be
frummer
than
you
actually
are
to
impress
your
in
-
laws
Eating
dairy
after
meat
and
then
taking
a
laxative
Trying
to
impress
your
date
by
quoting
Rashi
all
night
A
rabbinic
ruling
so
controversial
it
starts
a
civil
war
A
rabbi
who
falls
asleep
during
his
own
sermon
Using
Yiddish
slang
to
impress
your
non
-
Jewish
coworkers
A
kiddush
club
with
a
drive
-
thru
window
A
rabbi
who
converted
to
Islam
Cheating
on
your
rabbi
with
a
Reform
shul
A
Chanukah
bush
An
Eruv
that
only
works
on
Tuesdays
Staying
on
the
derech
while
going
to
a
secular
college
The
tznius
police
at
the
beach
Becoming
Sephardi
just
to
eat
kitniyos
on
Pesach
Skipping
shabbos
services
to
watch
football
Using
a
menorah
to
light
a
blunt
A
shabbos
meal
that
lasts
longer
than
the
Lord
of
the
Rings
trilogy
Yeshiva
just
for
the
experience
When
your
rabbi
says
, "
Do
as
I
say
,
not
as
I
do
."
A
shul
where
the
women
lead
the
service
A
mezuzah
that
'
s
cursed
and
brings
bad
luck
to
the
whole
house
Skipping
davening
for
a
good
sale
Taking
a
selfie
during
Yizkor
A
Pesach
seder
that
lasts
longer
than
the
Exodus
itself
A
mezuzah
that
doubles
as
a
WiFi
extender
Breaking
your
fast
with
a
bacon
cheeseburger
A
Jewish
mother
who
forces
her
child
to
become
a
lawyer
or
doctor
An
escape
room
where
you
have
to
find
your
way
out
of
the
Exodus
from
Egypt
Chazaras
hashatz
done
by
a
talking
parrot
Accidentally
buying
chometz
on
Pesach
and
hiding
it
in
the
closet
Wearing
a
keffiyeh
as
a
kippah
Believing
in
evolution
over
creationism
Wearing
sunglasses
on
Pesach
to
avoid
seeing
chametz
Saying
a
bracha
on
a
non
-
kosher
meal
A
chulent
that
'
s
been
cooking
since
the
times
of
the
prophets
Female
rabbis
The
Sephardic
rabbi
who
doesn
'
t
believe
in
gefilte
fish
A
rabbi
who
'
s
also
a
stand
-
up
comedian
with
a
very
dark
sense
of
humor
A
kiddush
club
that
'
s
also
a
fight
club
A
Torah
scroll
with
a
typo
that
changes
the
entire
meaning
of
a
verse
The
most
offensive
mishnah
you
'
ve
never
heard
of
Giving
up
on
Judaism
to
become
a
Jedi
A
minyan
with
a
designated
"
shush
-
er
"
to
keep
everyone
quiet
A
shtreimel
so
large
it
needs
its
own
seat
on
the
plane
The
awkwardness
of
having
a
non
-
Jewish
spouse
at
a
family
simcha
An
esrog
bigger
than
your
head
A
minhag
so
obscure
,
not
even
Google
can
find
it
Techias
hameisim
that
turns
out
to
just
be
a
zombie
apocalypse
Kosher
bacon
-
flavored
toothpaste
A
Jewish
mother
who
uses
guilt
trips
as
a
form
of
punishment
Using
a
tzedakah
box
as
a
piggy
bank
A
chulent
that
'
s
so
bad
it
'
s
declared
treif
Getting
kicked
out
of
shul
for
snoring
too
loud
A
Jewish
grandmother
who
'
s
also
a
UFC
fighter
Praying
to
a
statue
of
the
Baal
Shem
Tov
A
rabbi
who
wears
a
toup
é
e
instead
of
a
kippah
Thinking
"
Purim
Torah
"
is
an
actual
type
of
Torah
study
A
chumash
with
a
pop
-
up
Book
of
Esther
Forgetting
to
count
the
Omer
on
the
49th
night
The
Yeshiva
bochur
who
spends
more
time
on
social
media
than
studying
Torah
A
yeshiva
bochur
who
moonlights
as
a
drag
queen
A
kosher
restaurant
that
serves
treif
on
the
side
Avodah
Zarah
Robbing
a
bank
just
to
fulfill
the
mitzvah
of
returning
a
stolen
object
Learning
Masechet
Kiddushin
,
even
though
you
are
ugly
and
no
one
will
ever
love
you
Learning
Yerushalmi
because
you
are
just
so
quirky
and
different
Dying
an
agonizing
and
inspiring
death
Beating
your
chest
so
hard
you
fracture
a
rib
The
appropriate
amount
of
guilt
The
incredible
unworthiness
of
being
Blowing
the
shofar
so
hard
Moshiach
comes
instantly
Living
in
a
Sukkah
for
seven
days
,
unless
it
'
s
cold
out
Sealing
your
fate
by
eating
nuts
on
Rosh
Hashana
Selling
your
stomach
to
a
goy
so
you
can
eat
on
Yom
Kippur
Giving
your
life
to
protect
your
antiquated
beliefs
A
stay
-
at
-
home
momzer
Being
pretty
happy
,
for
a
litvak
The
miracle
of
three
rabbis
agreeing
about
something
for
once
The
ability
to
fit
1
.
2
million
people
around
the
mountain
Repairing
the
tablets
with
super
glue
and
duct
tape
Holidays
requiring
excessive
amounts
of
tin
foil
Marrying
Dutch
just
to
wait
one
hour
Olives
the
size
of
an
ostrich
egg
Touching
before
marriage
Being
an
inbred
Ashkenazi
Believing
a
dead
guy
is
Moshiach
but
it
'
s
ok
because
you
'
re
Chabad
A
bakery
that
'
s
a
front
for
the
Jewish
maafia
The
18
minutes
Holding
the
havdalah
candle
2
inches
higher
than
your
boyfriend
'
s
head
A
chazzan
with
a
rainbow
tallis
at
the
pride
parade
Learning
more
Torah
from
a
card
game
than
your
two
years
in
Yeshiva
Making
your
wedding
Siyum
on
Masechet
Gittin
A
Bar
Mitzvah
that
'
s
more
Bar
than
Mitzvah
Erasing
Amalek
from
your
shul
'
s
sefer
torah
Telling
an
idolator
to
stick
his
idol
where
the
sun
don
'
t
shine
A
minivan
with
3
carseats
,
which
hasn
'
t
been
cleaned
since
last
Pesach
Turning
the
oven
on
the
highest
setting
for
an
hour
Correcting
the
Ba
'
al
Korei
Toiling
and
not
finding
A
rabbi
who
wears
blue
shirts
on
Shabbos
Pouring
hot
water
into
a
cup
just
to
transfer
it
to
another
cup
A
Bar
Mitzvah
boy
whose
voice
hasn
'
t
dropped
A
rabbi
who
goes
off
the
derech
Forgetting
if
you
'
re
going
to
a
shiva
or
a
sheva
brachos
Cuddling
with
a
pillow
in
between
to
make
it
shomer
The
wise
men
of
Chelm
Chareidim
Shuckling
like
there
'
s
no
tomorrow
Learning
on
Nittel
Nacht
Inventing
a
Jewish
board
game
because
you
'
re
too
frum
for
the
goyish
version
A
seforim
shelf
dedicated
to
Rick
Riordan
books
A
date
in
a
hotel
lobby
The
destruction
of
the
Beis
Hamikdash
Rabba
and
Rebbi
Zeira
'
s
Purim
Seudah
Meeting
a
matchmaker
at
a
coffee
shop
Learning
all
of
shas
before
finishing
the
chumash
Sleeping
through
shacharis
Going
to
the
mikvah
holding
a
sheretz
Chuppah
wine
Ordering
the
spiciest
dish
on
the
menu
to
prove
you
'
re
not
one
of
"
those
"
Ashkenazim
Getting
engaged
just
so
people
stop
saying
"
Soon
by
you
"
A
siyum
and
barbecue
every
day
of
the
Nine
Days
Putting
on
tefillin
5
minutes
before
shkiya
Smelling
your
partner
for
borei
minei
besamim
Sotah
water
Generational
trauma
Metzitzah
b
'
peh
Bathroom
demons
Checking
rice
for
bugs
A
lulav
so
long
it
compensates
for
everything
Locking
up
those
emotions
in
solitary
confinement
,
where
they
belong
Being
a
total
chillul
Hashem
The
fiery
fury
of
God
'
s
omnipotent
love
Putting
your
shoes
on
in
the
wrong
order
Visiting
Tzfat
like
a
disillusioned
hippie
Emuna
pshuta
A
Rasha
Merusha
A
sheitel
that
is
too
long
to
possibly
be
tznius
The
unquestionable
truth
of
the
Torah
Hanging
out
with
boys
A
kollel
guy
who
'
s
happily
married
in
Kiryat
Sefer
with
12
kids
The
gimatriyah
of
your
name
,
minus
one
Praying
with
such
concentration
that
you
actually
catch
fire
A
Ba
'
al
Teshuva
who
'
s
actually
pretty
convincing
Living
outside
the
eiruv
Yiras
Shomayim
up
the
wazoo
Enough
Tehilim
to
instantly
solve
all
the
world
'
s
problems
Being
a
hazard
light
unto
the
nations
Being
so
smart
you
get
kicked
out
of
yeshiva
Taking
the
bone
out
of
the
fish
and
not
,
chas
v
'
shalom
,
the
other
way
around
The
iluy
of
the
yeshiva
Such
lofty
lineage
that
you
'
d
get
admitted
into
any
seminary
A
walking
,
talking
snake
A
bracha
from
a
renowned
kabbalist
Being
so
rich
that
you
'
re
patur
from
all
mitzvos
lo
ta
'
ase
Bitul
Torah
Hashgacha
pratis
Movies
and
drugs
Being
13
years
old
and
drunk
off
your
face
during
megilla
reading
600
gallons
of
chulent
l
'
kovid
shabbos
koidesh
Slowly
unbuttoning
the
top
button
Knowing
all
of
shas
backwards
and
forwards
Olam
Haba
for
days
The
ways
of
the
goyim
An
Ashkenazi
so
white
his
tzitzis
look
yellow
Herring
Galore
Eating
an
olive
and
forgetting
everything
you
ever
learned
Getting
married
after
three
dates
A
matzah
ball
that
'
s
worth
its
weight
in
gold
Unconditional
love
and
acceptance
Non
-
chalav
yisrael
chocolate
Doing
everything
but
,
so
it
'
s
not
actually
assur
Unfiltered
internet
Contradictory
advice
from
the
greatest
minds
of
the
generation
Stockings
so
thick
,
you
could
walk
through
a
battlefield
unharmed
An
outright
miracle
A
mangled
body
with
its
tefillin
perfectly
intact
Mishpacha
Magazine
'
s
tznius
swimsuit
edition
Having
your
shabbos
goy
fry
you
bacon
A
goy
so
nice
he
could
be
a
righteous
gentile
Bringing
a
challah
knife
to
a
gunfight
An
eloquent
kiruv
rabbi
who
used
to
be
a
surfer
Drinking
from
the
rebbe
'
s
cup
to
make
a
baby
A
question
so
good
,
it
could
get
you
excommunicated
Yeshiva
gay
All
the
angels
laughing
at
you
A
sentence
so
loaded
with
Yeshivish
it
'
s
virtually
unintelligible
Kissing
God
vicariously
through
a
doorframe
A
card
game
that
sends
you
straight
to
hell
Hakadosh
Boruch
Hu
'
s
infinite
wisdom
Getting
voted
rabbi
of
the
year
by
Ami
Magazine
Snorkeling
in
a
mikvah
Going
to
hell
for
at
least
12
months
,
if
not
longer
A
minhag
we
don
'
t
hold
by
Leaning
to
the
wrong
side
during
Seder
and
choking
to
death
Serving
kugel
without
the
pickle
,
like
some
sort
of
heathen
Greatness
like
you
can
'
t
even
imagine
A
love
for
all
people
,
not
just
Jews
Lashon
Hara
An
abstract
painting
with
mystical
significance
Smartphones
,
and
other
works
of
Satan
Showing
your
underwear
to
your
rabbi
9
idiots
short
of
a
full
minyan
More
fun
than
a
van
full
of
drunk
yeshiva
bochurim
Humble
beyond
recognition
Eating
challah
crumbs
and
getting
incredibly
rich
The
Satan
Himself
Being
crafted
in
God
'
s
heavenly
image
,
or
something
Washing
your
hands
eight
times
,
just
to
be
safe
A
sem
girl
with
a
crush
on
her
rabbi
The
root
of
all
evil
Paying
$
200
for
an
unblemished
lemon
Sinas
chinam
Aborting
a
baby
by
stepping
on
a
fingernail
clipping
Like
,
literally
eating
pig
Doing
tachnun
with
the
wrong
hand
Shaking
hands
with
a
103
-
year
-
old
gadol
hador
A
Jewish
song
with
8
words
and
a
lot
of
sax
A
Ben
Sorer
U
'
moreh
Staying
up
all
night
learning
Torah
for
84
hours
straight
A
cappella
,
so
it
'
s
ok
Taking
the
shul
newsletter
instead
of
a
siddur
Rashi
'
s
daughters
Shaking
a
lemon
for
God
Going
to
a
hotel
for
Pesach
to
avoid
cleaning
the
house
Checking
skirt
lengths
at
the
entrance
The
New
and
Updated
Testament
Smearing
blood
on
your
doorpost
Being
shomer
negiah
,
even
with
your
own
cousins
Singing
Carlebach
tunes
in
a
Sephardi
shul
Serving
in
the
temple
as
a
vegetarian
Kohen
Installing
cameras
in
the
women
'
s
mikvah
Getting
stoned
,
burnt
,
decapitated
,
and
strangled
all
at
once
A
chicken
that
died
for
your
sins
Parah
aduma
steak
Taking
a
passuk
out
of
context
Cleaning
strawberries
with
a
toothbrush
The
Right
Honourable
Lord
Knight
Rabbi
Dr
.
Jonathan
Henry
Sacks
,
Chief
Rabbi
Emeritus
,
Av
Beit
Din
,
zt
"
l
A
kosher
l
'
pesach
phone
Putting
pieces
of
fish
in
the
meat
to
kill
your
enemy
Saying
women
have
a
special
connection
with
God
,
and
therefore
they
should
wash
the
dishes
Accidentally
throwing
a
mitzvah
into
the
water
along
with
your
sins
at
Tashlich
Rabbi
Shimon
Bar
Yochai
'
s
laser
vision
Before
I
became
frum
Extracting
all
the
science
you
need
from
a
2
,
000
-
year
-
old
book
Having
18
kids
and
a
career
Being
pretty
educated
,
for
a
frum
person
A
rabbi
and
a
doctor
,
like
the
Rambam
Learning
engineering
so
you
can
help
rebuild
the
Beis
Hamikdash
Studying
philosophy
like
a
total
kofer
Getting
your
entire
education
from
textbooks
in
the
bathroom
Learning
critical
thinking
from
the
Talmud
The
warm
,
enveloping
safety
of
ignorance
Marrying
a
Shiksa
A
self
-
hating
Jew
Antisemitism
Taking
a
small
package
to
Israel
The
Rosh
Yeshiva
'
s
Daughter
A
Tuna
Bagel
A
Satmar
Chasid
A
good
Shidduch
The
Chosen
People
Hiding
under
your
rabbi
'
s
bed
to
learn
about
sex
Knowing
your
wife
in
the
biblical
sense
Kosher
sex
toys
Not
committing
suicide
because
it
'
s
against
the
Torah
Tefillin
bondage
Inviting
your
wife
to
perform
naked
in
front
of
your
friends
Organizing
mincha
at
a
strip
club
Hiding
the
afikoman
up
your
ass
Tzfat
hippies
circle
-
jerking
to
kabbalah
Taking
a
shit
in
front
of
Baal
-
Peor
Using
pornography
to
figure
out
what
I
am
attracted
to
in
a
woman
A
bedsheet
with
a
hole
The
touchy
subject
of
Shlomo
Carlebach
Shaking
his
lulav
while
he
fondles
your
esrogim
Making
your
wife
orgasm
first
so
you
'
ll
have
male
children
Accidentally
having
sex
on
Yom
Kippur
The
Jewish
summer
camp
where
everyone
is
secretly
hooking
up
Eating
the
wrong
part
of
the
fish
and
totally
fucking
up
the
entire
year
Compensating
for
being
a
total
asshole
by
giving
copious
amounts
of
Tzedakah
Sneaking
under
God
'
s
radar
by
getting
your
shit
together
for
one
month
Reading
Shir
Hashirim
for
its
erotic
value
All
the
incest
in
Sefer
Bereishis
Sexy
Purim
costumes
Masturbating
to
a
picture
of
the
Rebbe
A
hundred
Philistine
foreskins
A
schlissel
challah
that
doesn
'
t
look
like
a
penis
Hiding
dinosaur
bones
to
fuck
with
scientists
Eating
a
heter
mechira
cucumber
like
you
don
'
t
give
a
fuck
Drowning
in
a
lake
because
you
went
swimming
during
sfira
like
a
total
dumbass
Removing
the
tip
of
your
penis
for
God
Masturbating
with
a
shinuy
Showing
your
elbows
like
some
goddamn
slut
A
porno
with
a
traveling
schnorer
as
the
plotline
A
shitload
of
vodka
Purifying
yourself
by
getting
undressed
in
a
room
full
of
men
and
getting
in
the
jacuzzi
with
them
Studying
marital
relations
with
your
chavrusa
An
erotic
romance
novel
between
God
and
the
Jewish
people
A
steamy
Dovid
and
Yehonatan
fanfic